Monday

Review: Toast

That last review was a little risqué, as I realised when an anonymous comment included the word “frigging”, which is a terrible word. So this one will be extremely clean.

Toast: if there is more fun to be had outside of getting extremely drunk, calling an ex and crying, I don’t know what it is. There is free toast in my office – you may get better perks working in a major financial institution, but your life is unbearable to you and I don’t like your face. This free toast is slowly turning me into an unrepentant fat.

Margaret Atwood speaks: “Toast was a pointless invention from the Dark Ages. Toast was an implement of torture that caused all those subjected to it to regurgitate in verbal form the sins and crimes of their past lives. Toast was a ritual item devoured by fetishists in the belief that it would enhance their kinetic and sexual powers. Toast cannot be explained by any rational means.”

Toast: Quick, easy and completely asexual. 7 out of 10.

11 Comments:

At 12:25 pm, Blogger chunky munky said...

Toast is merely a vehicle for peanut butter and Nutella.

And it can be shaped into a rather convenient shovel.

 
At 12:53 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

Indeed, if the person you're referring to was left alone on a desert island, he could quickly rebuild civilization using only a lightly toasted loaf of bread. Although it would probably be quite heavy on cricket and naked ladies, as civilizations go.

 
At 1:29 pm, Blogger hungbunny said...

I wish I could find something toasty-sexual to link to, but all I can come up with is this lovely work of art:

http://www.fa-art.pp.se/toast.htm

 
At 2:20 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

ha - thanks hungbunny.
"Dinner is a concrete moment in our daily life where many different meanings are connected to the meaning of our own existence." fucking brilliant. lunch, though, is under threat from dark, toast-as-shovel-wielding forces.

 
At 4:45 pm, Blogger chunky munky said...

I do not appreciate our new lunch companion, no matter his ability to form tools out of food.

Do you want some tea? I'm too fucking lazy to turn around and ask you myself.

 
At 1:27 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Toast is my absolute favorite food. Munky used to laugh and poke at me due to this fact. Sometimes she resorted to violence in an attempt to make me cry. But, I persevered. Toast remains my favorite food. As for completely asexual... you must never have encountered your toast feelin' "saucy."

Jess
www.imacucumber.net

 
At 9:28 am, Anonymous vague said...

Eskimo, did you ever hear about this? Your compatriots are apparently quite skilled reviewers of toast, it seems

 
At 10:43 am, Anonymous eskimo said...

vague: ahh, partly melted butter patches. i take back everything i said about toast being asexual.
chunky munky: i am horrified by jess's tales of toast-related childhood abuse. & look at you now, hanging out by the toaster without a care in the world. for shame.

 
At 11:35 am, Blogger chunky munky said...

Jess,

Potatoes are your favourite food.

I used to touch my ass to your head to make you cry.

The lies! The liiiies!!!

 
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