Monday

Review: Earrings

I had my ears pierced in a shop in Arusha. Between that and learning to drive, which I will as soon as I can get over my fear of the traffic in Dar es Salaam (aggressive 4x4 drivers, minibuses with fifty people inside, cows wandering across the road, potholes galore, headlights at full beam blinding you at night, and other exotic traffic paraphernalia), I am becoming a proper adult. As everyone knows, low-end mutilation in pursuit of beauty is an important aspect of female adulthood. But then, so is trying to make your mind up if your inability to find a boyfriend is because you intimidate men with your phenomenal beauty, wit and elegance, or because you need to lose some weight and stop talking about your childhood on first dates.

I can barely bring myself to discuss men with pierced ears. It reveals a tragically un-ambitious spirit of rebellion. If you want to show your disdain for convention, get the word FUCK tattooed across your forehead or set fire to a church or marry your sister. A single earring in your misshapen earlobe doesn’t impress me: in that respect, I am very much like Shania Twain. (“OK, so you’ve won a Nobel Peace Prize, reconciled the wave and the particle and discovered a new, clean energy source to rival oil / That don’t impress me much.” The woman is made of steel. I once read an article in a men’s magazine that listed reasons to look on the bright side after breaking up with your girlfriend. One of them was something like, “You no longer have to cower at Shania Twain concerts, convinced that a stadium of 50,000 women singing along to That Don’t Impress Me Much are talking about your penis.”)

Earrings make you look like you’ve made an effort, even when you haven’t showered. They also impress the girl behind the donut counter in Shoprite. I live to please her.


Earrings: Kind of anthropologically weird, but don't I look pretty? 9 out of 10.

21 Comments:

At 3:17 pm, Anonymous Little Lehcar said...

Hurrah! You're back! With earrings! But this proves you have finally become a teenager, rather than an adult. The rest of us are busy letting most of our punctured body parts heal up...

 
At 9:46 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

Earrings are useful in the sphere of present giving "oh fuck it I'll just get her earrings." This does not apply for men. At, least, I am now brave enough to buy a male friend of mine an earring. Although now the idea has occured it has a glittering beauty to it.

The best thing about Shania Twain's song is the lyrics come in this order

"so, you're a rocket scientist?"

And, shortly after

"So, you've got a car?"

Clearly her pickiness is not helping her.....

 
At 9:47 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

Also, I suspect her perfect man, is, in fact, a hot water bottle.

 
At 10:37 am, Anonymous Contemplating Suicide said...

I got my cock pierced about a year ago. Ive never been able to piss straight since!!

 
At 4:15 pm, Blogger Adam Ifans said...

ever since fat men started wearing earrings, having your cock pierced seems to be the only way for some blokes to show off their rebellious, no-care nature.

Then, of course, they have to bring it up at every opportunity in conversation with strangers because a rebel isn't a rebel unless everyone knows. Odd.

 
At 4:19 am, Blogger Donna said...

Anthropologically Weird Fact for the day: the Earringed Eskimo is only found in hot climates.

 
At 11:54 pm, Anonymous mzungu said...

dude-


'The expat children here are old before their time, confident as CNN anchormen and slightly deranged by the constant coming and going of their friends and schoolmates, who are mostly diplobrats whose parents do something pointless for the UN. '

this is me and every kid i went to school with; nicley astute.

I just stumbled across your blog over here in Sydney, Australia. Full of familiar places and faces through a witty, synical window.

i'll think of some books to recommend, which further explore the elephant problem. I'll post them later.

meanwhile, regards from a fully fledged, nomadic expat kid, with memories of warm sand, indian oceans and dusty markets.

karibu!

 
At 7:23 pm, Anonymous Rob said...

Having your cock peirced is definately low-end mutilation. Badum-Tish!

 
At 1:02 am, Blogger Philip said...

I would have thought it was more a painful prick.

 
At 10:00 pm, Blogger james henry said...

I still don't know what 'Man, I feel like a Woman!' is all about, although it doesn't stop me singing it.

 
At 10:35 am, Anonymous Contemplating Suicide said...

Maybe its a subliminal messeage which actually means "Man, I need a big dick up ass to make me feel better".
Hmmmmm.... I Wonder....!

 
At 1:16 pm, Blogger james henry said...

Someone should write her a letter, asking if that's what it is.

 
At 4:32 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

will eskimo ever update again? Tension and drama....

 
At 10:37 am, Anonymous Nob Cheese said...

Wankie Doodle Dandy! Give me a Shandy! Cause Im Randy! Im also very Handy, an I love my Daddy, Whos name is Paddy, and his Trousers are Baggy......... Oh fuck off Im bored!!!!!!!!

 
At 9:57 pm, Anonymous Andrew H said...

...an ex-blog, it has ceased to be, fallen off it's perch, shuffled off it's mortal coil...

 
At 3:29 pm, Blogger The Wanted Man said...

I hope nothing has happened to eskimo. Perhaps a search party should be put together.

 
At 3:52 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone know when this was last update? Seems odd to say precisley to the minute when updates were made but not give a clue to the date.

Anyway, what's going on? There are at least 3 new things in serious need of review.

 
At 1:17 pm, Anonymous contemplating Suicide said...

Alright, Where the hell ha Emirald NIle Gone. 1st she was their now shes gone!!. ??????????????
What, Where, How. CUNT!!

 
At 6:18 pm, Anonymous Power Leveling said...

Alright, Where the hell ha Emirald NIle Gone. 1st she was their now shes gone! ?????????
no!

 
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