Review: Trainers

I look down at my Adidas and I remember that the world is a beautiful place, that humanity is constantly striving to better itself and that all difficulties can ultimately be overcome with the twin weapons of an open heart and a firmly closed pair of legs. Or I used to, until last week, when I went island shopping down south. We were so busy tormenting the itinerant fishermen with our near-nudity and excessive photography that I failed to notice one of them stealing my trainers from under my nose. The government official who’d accompanied us to the island on a rickety boat, spending the journey entertaining me by looking terrified and saying repeatedly, “I feel that death is very near”, insisted on taking up the matter of the trainer theft with the head of the village. I cowered like an embarrassed teenager. Adulthood: will it never end?

Now I can take it easy for the rest of my life, knowing that I was responsible for introducing stripy sports shoes to a remote community in the Indian Ocean. My boss has now bought the island, so new flavours of corrupt western desire will doubtless be introduced as soon as is convenient for both parties.

My poor, lost trainers! What strange and unappreciative pair of feet are you on today? I’ll get over it soon: my fiancée, who isn’t really my fiancée, has promised to bring a new pair when she comes to visit. Coincidentally, a friend of mine used to have crazy self-pleasuring fun with a website that featured men wearing nothing but Adidas trainers. Apparently most brands of sportswear have a similar following. I suppose it was inevitable, given world enough and time, that humanity would start to develop a bizarre Pavlovian sexual response to brand names.

Trainers: Comfy, though, aren’t they. 9 out of 10.


At 1:25 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Adidas?.... Baah Humbug!
Nike..... now your talking....... uuuuugh......oooohh!........
Oh Ive come!

At 8:17 pm, Blogger hungbunny said...

Island shopping, Eskimo? I hope you took a very big bag.

At 3:37 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

from my limited experience, it seems that when you buy an island, you leave it where it is. a shame, as i'm sure it would have made a lovely ornament.

At 7:34 am, Anonymous Andrew Haydon said...

Right, here's a thing; in your Guardian piece the other week (well done you), at the bottom the excuse it gave for it being you and not the dreadful Priscilla Kwateng was that Priscilla Kwateng was away. Now, you're in Africa. And yet you're not away. At least not as far as the Guardian is concerned. Where the hell has Priscilla Kwateng gone that she can't file a snappy 200 word unthink piece?

At 9:25 am, Blogger Raoul Djukanovic said...

from my limited experience, it seems that when you buy an island, you leave it where it is

I believe a massacre of the inhabitants is also customary to remind them who's boss.

At 2:56 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

Eskimo was in the Guardian and I didn't notice? Dag nabit, that'll teach me for only infrequently reading....

At 9:37 am, Anonymous eskimo said...

Andrew, you're blowing my carefully constructed cover. I'm going to have to buy a false nose and a stick-on moustache and skulk around behind hedges, looking exactly like I always look only with more luxuriant facial hair. That will teach you.

At 9:09 pm, Anonymous Andrew Haydon said...

Ah, sorry about that. I'd take it back if I could. My point about Priscilla Kwateng still stands. Where ever can she be?

At 2:56 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

Its too late Eskimo, I have already hunted you down.... I am watching you...right now....

Dun dun dun.

Is Priscilla Kwateng the one who does that small little comment "on youth" beneath the massive "on age"? Proving, once and for all, that old people have more things to say than young people.

At 7:40 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you alive? did tanzania eat you for food?


At 11:24 am, Blogger Hated thrice said...

What is going on? A guttural word on the last blog … and now a satirical display of western ignorance.

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