Tuesday

Review: Anecdotes

Man is born free, but is everywhere in chains and incapable of posting on her blog because of living somewhere that isn't particularly conducive to limply witty, semi-ironical commentary. Also, I was kept up all night by Christians across the road singing and praying until 5am, at which time no decent self-respecting god is awake anyway, so I'm tired and will have to write this in the style of Wittgenstein (famous author of the famous Da Vinci Code), as a series of mostly unrelated observations.

Nor have I sent any group emails, except to my family, who would be just as happy if I pdf'd over a signed and dated ECG reading showing that I'm still alive. By rights, I should be sweating anecdotes from my pores by now, but against a background of general strangeness, nothing shows up as particularly strange.

A few years ago I cack-handedly attempted a relationship with a man who was very good at anecdotes. They would always begin with him taking a deep breath and rolling his eyes up until the whites showed, before launching into a stream of exaggerations, embellishments and lies. He used to change the endings: all is fair, in love and the pub. Since then, I've become violently attached to a series of laconic men whose idea of a good chat is to stare into space, occasionally making an observation about someone's shoes. These men are like a chemistry set: the joy is in seeing what makes them react.

My boss is a fountain of anecdotes. He once had a fistfight with Pasolini outside a cement factory in Dar es Salaam. That's my favourite. The rest is silence. The safari park guides have millions of anecdotes, even the Elephant Man, but they all go something like: "And then we saw a lion crawl behind the tent!" and you quickly get used to them and can tune out while they're being told apart from the occasional "How scary! How brave!" Then everyone goes home happy, having successfully fulfilled their gender roles for once in their sorry, psychosexually complex lives.

I am missing the 'dotes of close friends, but my fiancee has promised to write all hers in a Word document, then copy and paste them into every email in order to recreate the repetition and enforced familiarity that I'd get over a normal weekend in London.

Anecdotes: Kids! Why not share your own favourites, on this handy Comments facility! 7 out of 10.

21 Comments:

At 12:37 pm, Anonymous Lake said...

How nice that you're still alive. Are you going to be living in Dar es Salaam forever? Perhaps you'll pop back occasionally to change library books.

 
At 12:54 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anecdotes leave you in danger of boring yourself. When drunk I have told the same anecdote three times in an evening. I could not hate myself more in the morning than if I blown the school fees on three-upsie lesbian crack sex.

 
At 2:39 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

hello lake. it is nice, isnt it? better than being dead, anyway. how are you, and your lawyer?

hello anonymous. so bored by yourself, you can't remember your own name.

 
At 3:52 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

When I was younger I used to think that anon was a person, and that he was awfully prolific in his writings (anon clearly being a male name). Ooh, that was kind of an anecdote, but for a true anecdote you have to extend it unecessarily.

I have a friend with an inability to tell anecdotes, including once,

"Hey, do you remember James in physics? Well some people in my lecture are just like him."

 
At 4:48 pm, Anonymous Muff Diver said...

Dearest Eskimo,
I am psychosexually confused here.

"attached to a series of laconic men"

"my fiancee has promised to write all hers"

 
At 5:30 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only anonymous because I can't be arsed signing up, just yet. Still, I don't want to come across like a stalker. There's an anecdote for you: "I knew this deer once, and it had a terrible stalker..."

 
At 6:25 pm, Blogger hungbunny said...

Like Muff Diver, I too am sexually confused.

My favourite anecdote involves selling hashish to Mani from the Stone Roses. Actually, it's more of a sentence than an anecdote.

 
At 3:05 am, Blogger Mr K said...

not to comment again, but
"Dearest Eskimo,
I am psychosexually confused here.

"attached to a series of laconic men"

"my fiancee has promised to write all hers" "

I didn't mention that out of politeness, but now someone else has I am intrigued.. a simple mistype, or a tale of drama and mystery?

 
At 1:26 am, Blogger HA HA HA said...

she jsut misstyepd 'fiacre' tahts all. jeez u ppl are exitebal.

 
At 10:34 pm, Anonymous Muff Diver said...

ha thrice,

You aren't alluding to St. Fiacre of the Emerald Isle are you?

I do not see how the patron saint of Venereal Disease and Hemorrhoids has any connection here.
Now, "fiachra", that be funny! If you mean for us to spell it that way.

 
At 7:04 am, Blogger HA HA HA said...

muf - u perv! i ment teh convayence. jeez.

 
At 11:29 am, Anonymous Lake said...

The lawyer is fairly good, I think. Thanks for asking.

 
At 1:19 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This Sight is bollox. You dont even update it anymore now you've moved away!
CUNT!......

 
At 10:09 am, Blogger Hated thrice said...

Now, now anonymous… May be it is time to seek professional help about this anger of yours – you’re sounding like a crackhead. Get a grip man. I'm sure Eskimo has a good reason not to have updated recently. I think it is called a life. Having said that I’m sure she will return guns blazing to blogland. Until then, good luck with your unsated cravings.

 
At 1:07 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well thank you for taking the time to reply to my short (crack indused) outburst! At least somebody cares.... Arrrrrggghhhh! need more craaaaaack.

 
At 9:29 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

ok, i give in, you've tugged on my heartstrings... expect thrilling review of trainers any time in the next 10 minutes

 
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you boss good! im'love boss!

 
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