Review: Gossip

I love gossip, it lightens the otherwise tedious grind of over-emoting about psychologically decrepit Italian men and writing about tourist destinations. Until recently, I was convinced that men don’t enjoy gossip, for the same reason that they don’t share ice cream out of the same tub or compliment each other on their clothes – it contravenes the international code of heterosexuality. Actually, I was wrong. Given the slightest opportunity, men gossip like wolves.

Much gossip-worthy material flows forth from my colleague’s stupid girlfriend, who has the face of an angel and the brain of a very chatty slug. (Reader! In your opinion, would impersonating an idiot help me have a more successful and fulfilling love life?) We eye her beadily from behind our desks, waiting for her to do something ridiculous so we can pounce on it and pick it apart later. There’s a fine line between gossip and bitching, but we don’t care. Occasionally I am wracked by guilt. I feel the Gossip Sword of Damocles hanging over my head: not a day passes in which I don’t do something so stupid that I’m almost suicidal with embarrassment, and the thought that people will be analysing my faux pas with as much relish as I’ve lavished on theirs is deeply troubling.

I am reading a history of Africa, and it claims that something like 80% of human chat is about people who are not present during the conversation. This was useful when we lived in small forest tribes and scavenged elephant carcasses, but maybe it’s outlived its relevance. Gossip may well be an evolutionary hangover that we should have recovered from by now, like male nipples, double-jointed elbows and long-term relationships.

Gossip: Somewhere between a hobby and a religious practice. Happy Ramadan! 7 out of 10.


At 2:26 pm, Blogger UnderCrackers said...

Just for the record, the fire in the wheelie bin in Hardinsgstone wasn't set by Harry Gordon and his Mum hasn't cut his bollocks off. Also Claire's husband Jeff left because he was bored and felt they had grown apart and not because she had excessive 'fanny batter'.
*this is all stuff I heard at the school gates..not that I am one to gossip*

At 2:32 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

Men definitely enjoy gossip. At least, I do, and clearly I'm representative of all men. Gossip is always fun, its up there with talking behind peoples backs as "best ways to spend an afternoon".

My word verification is isugog, which, on reflection, is an awesome word.

At 7:17 pm, Anonymous Muff Diver said...

Sword of Damocles? Meh!, that is not what I heard! The Dagger of Damocles, more like, and with the turgidity of a bowl of warm jello too!
Well, playing the fool would probably get you impaled more often. Whether this would be a "more successful and fulfilling love life", you'll have to judge.

At 9:36 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Would impersonating an idiot help me have a more successful and fulfilling love life?"

Eskimo, petal, impersonating an idiot won't help you overcome your quibbles and neuroses one bit. You must become an idiot to do that.

My word was "ijfslo." I feel short-changed.

At 12:33 am, Blogger Olivia Harris said...

It will improve your love life, if you impersonate an idiot, who has very large breasts.

At 7:11 am, Anonymous Donna said...

Eski! don't be silly, of course you are an idiot. But only when it comes to picking men. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking if you could have a fulfilling love life with a man who could have a fulfilling love life with an idiot, now, would you?

Can I add little toes to the evoluntionary hangover? They're so fucking useless, and they hurt so much in high heels.

As for gossip, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about at all...

(sorry that was really tacky but I saw A Good Woman last night!)

good to hear you're still enjoying yourself, swords and suicidal moments notwithstanding.


At 2:40 pm, Anonymous Little Lehcar said...

As long as people gossip in actual speech, which means, unless some evil journalist has a dictaphone, that there will be no record (and probably no memory) of it, especially since during the meanest gossip most parties are pissed. On-line gossip with people you don't know is OK unless you have to use punctuation to create sideways faces to explain in what manner you would like the gossip to be taken. That is stupid.

At 2:43 pm, Anonymous Little Lehcar said...

Not that anyone here is doing that - just a general whinge. ::::-+']%4x
(my face (sideways) always looks like this on Monday).

At 12:16 am, Anonymous waiting patiently said...

I don't want to recover from my nipples, I quite like them.

At 3:52 pm, Blogger boudica of suburbia said...

Bitching is my lifeblood.

Eid mubarak ho!
happy diwali!
and guy fawkes
and a belated halloween
and we'd better not forget the harvest festival.


At 1:18 pm, Anonymous Contemplating Suicide said...

The World has gone MAD, the female of the species have all gone Bonkers!!
They try an run your life for you, bleed you of all your cash, trap you in to having a baby. Then after 3 years spent Moving house, Decorating house, Building a strong bond with your Children, Having Family days out and all the little things that really make a differance in yor life, They DROP A FUCKING BOMB ON UR FUCKING HEAD and tell you its all FUCKING OVER - PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!! Danm Bitch has taken it all away from me..... I Come to this site for some mild Pick me up comments and find that this site hasn't been updated for FUCKING AGES!
Im falling in to depravity and I cant get out.
How do women do this to people?

At 12:35 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

please write some more

At 8:02 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes, please don't stop.

At 10:43 am, Anonymous Contemplating Suicide said...

Im trying to face a FACT that it is all over and there is no going back! But I have this (at the moment) feeling of emptyness in my gut. I keep telling my self "Move on - Find someone else" but she has FUCKING FUCKED ME UP! I want to be a right nasty bastard to her but I cant cause I STILL FUCKING LOVE HER. She still has this fucking hold over me without her being any where near me! How the FUCK does one work that one out? The T.V. has got it in for me constantly showing loveyduvy relationships going horribly wrong. I FUCKING HATE HER yet STILL FUCKING LOVER HER! I also am drinking quiet alot of wine latley. Thats because now im single i have lots of unspent money! Thats the one and only good thing bout being single!!

At 2:25 am, Anonymous Harold Blench said...

"Contemplating", eh? I suggest that you quit dithering and get it over with. Do something for yourself for a change: Blow your fool head off. Because you're worth it.


At 1:02 pm, Anonymous Contemplating Suicide said...

FUCK! i cant stop bleeding............?

At 2:34 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

You'd be surprised how often that happens to me.

Question is: will Eskimo ever update again??

At 1:16 pm, Anonymous Contemplating Suicide said...

My word verification : nzewegs
Thats bloody great....nzewegs!!!
This alone is enough to cheer me up.
fuck Eskimo I want more word verifications!!!

Christ!!... this gives me a stiffy!

At 11:04 am, Anonymous Andrew H said...

Nothing Reviewed, more like.

More, soon, please.


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