Review: Monkeys

All monkeys are wonderful, but some are more wonderful than others. The dancing monkey, for example, grinding her crotch into thin air. The angsty adolescent monkey, writing FUCK in Boots No 17 lipstick on the bathroom mirror. The monkey who is going through a ‘help, I’m 33 and from a Catholic country where everyone keeps banging on about how I’m the same age as Jesus when he died’ crisis and has to run around trying to have sex with teenage girls.

Mister Internet tells me that red colobus monkeys “belch in each other’s faces as a friendly gesture”. They also like to climb trees and watch the sun rise or set, “like messengers of God”, it says here, though it’s possible they’ve got it the wrong way round. Maybe the belches are the message from God, and the sunrise an embarrassing accident.

I went to look at some monkeys the other day, and they were very good monkeys, although all they did was eat leaves. I don’t know what I was expecting: a striptease, perhaps, or a traditional dance. These weren’t particularly expensive monkeys: colobuses are the crack whores of the primate world, costing only around $20 a go; chimpanzees are slightly dearer, although still a bargain at around $40. Gorillas are the primate equivalent of high class hookers, the kind that wear nice shoes and come to your hotel, and the relevant authorities will charge you $300 a day for the pleasure of stumbling around densely forested hillsides looking for them.

Baboons are free, like people who really love you or who are very drunk in a bar.

Monkeys: Man is a sad animal who combs his hair. 10 out of 10.


At 7:13 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bonobos, (Pan Paniscus) will pay YOU!
They do not have that big red ass like the Baboons, alas!

At 7:59 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

Eskimo, Glad to see that you are still offering your irreverent take on the world around us. Drop me an email some time at my work address next month if you can. I like to catch up.

At 11:08 am, Blogger Fancyclown said...

The best Monkey i ever saw was on the Internet, would you believe. He was urinating in his own mouth, just for the hell of it.

At 5:07 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

You haven't lived until you've been disturbed by monkey masturbation

At 5:34 pm, Anonymous vague said...

In Soviet Russia, monkey pay to be disturbed by your masturbation.

At 2:36 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

thanks for the fun fact, vague. you can see how this kind of torrid behaviour led inevitably to glasnost and the rise of the mafia.

hated thrice, i don't know your surname. but that marshall woman has my email address and isn't afraid to use it.

fancyclown, apart from "for the hell of it", what other reasons are there for a monkey to urinate in his own mouth?

At 2:43 pm, Anonymous Philip said...

Perhaps someone had taken the piss out of him and he was trying to compensate?

At 12:48 am, Blogger Mr K said...

I dunno, urine could act as some kind of antiseptic, and the monkey could have a cut mouth...

At 6:04 am, Blogger ¡Benjaminista! said...

Primate power!

At 10:45 am, Anonymous Andrew Haydon said...

Hey, you changed the monkey rating! I'm sure it used to be 2/10. That was much better.

At 2:11 am, Blogger HA HA HA said...

mr k - corect!

may suond gros but its no worse then eting congeled spoiled mlik thats been in a damp cave for six monfths.

At 12:30 pm, Blogger Fancyclown said...

"fancyclown, apart from "for the hell of it", what other reasons are there for a monkey to urinate in his own mouth?"

Perhaps for some residual nutrients the urine may contain. Or just to see what it tastes like.
I don't know about drinking urine though.

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