Review: Being single

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a girl in want of a boyfriend, must not shave her legs very often. Those with boyfriends might well reflect on how much time, energy, effort, willpower, water, and soap could have been saved had they showed a bit more restraint, instead of whoring around bars trying to find an occupant for their boyfriend vacancy.

There’s a page in Cosmopolitan called Why It’s Great Being Single or something where women celebrate the ways in which being single has freed them up to look for a boyfriend. I am not sure whether or not it is great being single. It’s a bit like asking a badger, “Is it great being nocturnal?” The badger would merely look you up and down, in that supercilious way badgers have, and go back to foraging for insects.

“First comes love,” as Chaucer observed in Troilus and Criseyde, “Then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby’s carriage.” Only, Criseyde runs off with another man, and Troilus dies, but apart from that it’s just as I said. The best thing about getting married is wedding lists. This is where people buy you stuff for no reason – like begging, or busking, but with matrimonial vows instead of Stairway to Heaven on an accordion.

My mother, who is vigorously monogamous, doesn’t really do being single. Here, nevertheless, are two of her important insights:

1. “I wouldn’t live with a man again, unless he had a separate flat in the same house and I didn’t have to see him except when I wanted to.”

2. “Men are disappointing.”

Being single: Yonge fresshe folkes, he or she, / In which that love up groweth with your age, / Repeyreth hoom from worldly vanitee. 7 out of 10.


At 1:24 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Single white male seeks fun and frolics. 20 - 30 years of age preferable. Likes Whoring in bars, an acting single for no other reason than attention seeking.......... Hello ........anyone!...............Oh!

At 4:04 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

I agree with your mom's sage advice. I know a couple that coexist in the ideal set up. Both have their own bedroom, in which they can retreat during the working week to sleep or do whatever people do within the privacy of their own four walls. The spare room is their weekend boudoir for all that business that people obsess about because they think that they aren't getting enough after a quick flick through Cosmo. My friends have now being living together for 20 years. And the moral of their relationship bliss — make sure that your boy/girl friend is minted before agreeing to move in.

Eskimo, do you have a large trustfund to which I could have access to?

At 4:54 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Inuit,
Presumably, your Mother's comments do not apply to your Father? If so, then be thankful you grew up when you did, otherwise, you would be visiting your Dad 'in another flat' if you were growing up now.

xxoo Women are Disappointing

At 5:14 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

What? No, they did apply to my dad as well. Have you not heard the great epic poem by Dolly Parton, DIVORCE? You are very curious about other people's families today, innit.


At 5:38 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest 'E' word
Did you notice that 'Schmegma' did not show up on my comments here? For some reason, it will post automatically on some blogs but not on others. I need, therefore to sign each post as well, or I guess I could just make a note of which blogs post it and which do not.
Yes I know D-I-V-O-R-C-E, but I always figured it to be Tammy Winette?
And yes , I know real divorce too.

At 5:56 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

you two need to get a room…

At 6:02 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest 'E' word
I'm sorry, Friends?

At 3:10 am, Blogger HA HA HA said...

smeg yep tammy wynette. didn u brits get those 'nineteen cuontry clasics' album comercials (er 'avderts' do u call em?) on local t.v. back in teh 1970s? jeez. must be a cultaral wastland ovar their.

At 10:22 am, Anonymous eskimo said...

GER/Schmegma: I was only being fake-mean, I had this terrible headache in the left hand side of my head, you see, the kind of headache that makes you think of trepanning.

Ha Ha Ha: I swear it's on my dolly parton greatest hits compilation, 'it takes a nation of millions to hold us back'.

At 6:13 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

I rather like the concept of being in a relationship, just being in one tends to be disappointing, as for some reason your partner feels that you should be considering THEIR needs too.

I clearly need to move to Stepford....

At 9:38 am, Blogger Beeps said...

RE Dolly Parton showing off her spelling skills: If the kid can't spell t-o-y then how is he going to get upset on hearing the word 'custody'. Hmm? Maybe kiddies were just brainier in the 70s...

At 11:24 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

americans have no faith in love as they hop in and out of bed with a different man every night and then expect a man to respect them for it get a life!

At 10:58 pm, Anonymous Taylor said...

Ahh, to be single again. How I miss whoring with my friends and shaving my legs for the miniskirts I USED to wear.
Now: five years and one two year old later, it is sweats and a tank top and light beer on the couch.

At 6:32 pm, Anonymous single mum said...

Hi Eskimo. I'm trying to put together a list of sites which help people to contact single fathers; just like this one 'single father'. I thought you might be able to help. Do you know of any other single father related sites? If so, perhaps you could respond to this post and let me know. Many thanks

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