Thursday

Review: Courtship

Courtship has rules: you have to declare it first, the UN needs to ratify it, and once you’re in it you shouldn’t use cluster bombs or landmines, because they might blow the limbs off innocent children. For some people, courtship is a walk in the park, even if it’s taking place in a bleak, icy wasteland where the only thing relieving the monotony is a crevasse in the ice into which you could fall at any moment. For others, courtship feels like a bleak, icy wasteland, pocked with crevasses into which either party might fall at any moment, even if actually all you’re doing is walking in the park, or having a pint in your local. Who am I, to explain the differences between these two groups? If I believed in God, which I do sometimes, I’d say he was spiteful and mean and this was his idea of a joke, cf Cain and Abel, Sodom and Gomorrah, etc. (There is so much evidence for the Spiteful God theory that I suspect that theology is a self-perpetuating industry, like lightbulb sales, deliberately designed to avoid the obvious solution.)

Courtship sprang up around the same time as Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone. The first sentence spoken over the phone was, “Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you.” Since then, nothing has changed among the monkeys, except that, metaphorically, Mr Watson and Mr Alexander Graham Bell are now engaging in a torrid relationship via text message. Now the most important detail to remember while courting someone is that you must never, under any circumstances, phone them, as this will make them think you’re overly keen and some kind of bunnyboiler. As long as you remember this, you’ll have a full and happy life – no relationships, perhaps, but a full and happy life.

Like relationships, courtships tend to be full of holes and kept buoyant only by hope. A successful courtship will eventually see the two (or more) participants boarding the HMS Relation, and sailing off into the sunset until the iceberg of death or boredom abruptly shipwrecks them. Meanwhile, unsuccessful courters wave from the docks, amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Never mind, kids! With the appropriate Security Council resolution, you too might board the ship one day.

Courtship: Alexander Graham Bell's wife was deaf. 7 out of 10.

13 Comments:

At 4:57 pm, Anonymous dONNA said...

Crevasses? don't you mean cactuses? :)

 
At 6:23 pm, Blogger Philip said...

How can I become a bunnyboiler? Does it require special equipment?

 
At 9:12 pm, Blogger myalias said...

On one occasion recently, it is known that a declaration was made and initially denied. However by some bizarre clerical error the courtship was ratified anyway. Later on, landmines and cluster bombs were used to great effect but then two way phone communication after request, was denied.
As the sun rose a life raft bearing the name HMS Relation, drifted into the city carrying a confused survivor of the turbulent disturbance that is courtship. There he drifts still, wondering what the UN's postion on courtship and whether anyone did survive those fantastically terrible weapons.

 
At 9:13 pm, Blogger myalias said...

On one occasion recently, it is known that a declaration was made and initially denied. However by some bizarre clerical error the courtship was ratified anyway. Later on, landmines and cluster bombs were used to great effect but then two way phone communication after request, was denied.
As the sun rose a life raft bearing the name HMS Relation, drifted into the city carrying a confused survivor of the turbulent disturbance that is courtship. There he drifts still, wondering what the UN's postion on courtship is and whether anyone did survive those fantastically terrible weapons.

 
At 4:22 am, Blogger HA HA HA said...

just bop em on teh head an drag em home. skip teh fromalitys youl be hapyer for it.

 
At 4:23 am, Blogger HA HA HA said...

p.s. ud thikn drivin by in ur car showin ur teeth waglin ur eyebrows an sayin 'heeeeyy ladeeeez!' wuld obviate teh nead for crotship but youd be a optamist. damit.

 
At 11:34 am, Blogger Scattergun said...

I have courtship down pat, with a few well-chosen lines, allowing me to opt out of the grim gavotte of mutual attraction:

"Would you get me a glass of wine?"

"Can I have another glass of wine?"

and, "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you give me some more wine?"

This has led me to board S.S. Relation with many fine bottles of Malbec, submerge and head for the sunset.

I might be alone but at least I'm drunk...

 
At 1:06 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prase Alexander G. Bell. If it wasnt for him we wouldn't have the "Crazy Frog" (soon to hit the Top Ten Charts) ringtone. Bloody hell.... I ask you!!!!

 
At 1:42 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

ha ha ha, the car trick definitely works on me, especially at 2am on a dark street and when combined with your bop-and-drag tactic.

philip, all you need is a bunny and a mobile phone. then you phone the bunny and beg it to give you just one last chance, over and over again until its brain boils in its skull.

 
At 3:15 pm, Anonymous Lake said...

Bop-and-drag. That's catchy. I might be able to remember the second part now.

 
At 12:45 am, Anonymous donna said...

I think we should all court Eskimo.

Any tips you can give us about how this should be done, Eski?

Chocolate and flowers seem a bit cliched but I think she deserves more than bop-and-drag, personally...

 
At 5:37 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

Are we suggesting that the president of the United States does not follow "The Rules"? Old Tony's noggin, not to mention a few thousand Iraqi civilians, must be hurtin' from some audacious Texan bop-and-drag. George Jnr probably likes to call it his "ho-down".

 
At 8:37 am, Blogger xjd7410@gmail.com said...


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