Monday

Review: Envy

Envy is a terrible thing. I know this because I’ve been going to hot yoga. After hot yoga, there are naked showers. And in the naked showers, there are women with beautifully landscaped pubic hair, like a small garden, and manicured toenails. We make polite conversation, us naked women, but you can tell people are distracted, secretly wondering, “Are her nipples better than mine?”

Envy is a speciality of egotists and narcissists – a single weak spot that highlights the vastness of the rest of the ego, like a sliver of moon. “Why do you have that thing,” says envy, in its nasty Rupert Everett voice, “when I want it and don't have it? Do you think you deserve it? Do you think you're better than me?” The envier’s view of the world is even more spectacularly irrigated with power and injustice than the paranoid’s. To the envious, there is a beauty pie, and an intelligence pie, and a success pie, and anyone doing particularly well for themselves is taking more than their fair share and should be punished, or at the very least become fat - morally, metaphysically fat.

Being a naturally envious person is like being naturally competitive, in the sense that it’s not a good idea to combine either character trait with laziness and incompetence. If I could be bothered to moisturise, diet, wax and pluck at the rate recommended by women’s magazines, I would be sleek and hairless as a seal all year round, and people would riot every time I took off my underwear. City centres would be laid waste. Government officials would visit and, shielding their eyes, would beg me to put my clothes back on. I would envy myself. I would implode, in a shower of beautiful limbs and bits of flesh.


Envy: Avoid it like the emotional Black Death it is. 1 out of 10

7 Comments:

At 6:02 pm, Blogger psuche said...

Lol.. excellent review!

 
At 7:29 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

This brings up the question:can one be jealous of the strength of another's envy?

 
At 7:43 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

People tell me that envy is a terrible thing. But for us hated it's often a mystery in the Nancy Drew school style to why there is so much animosity towards us. OK I do sometimes chow down with the green-eyed monster for some flesh mocking — especially when tufo pups are for the offing. Two deadly sins in one swallow: envy and gluttony. And yet I'm still a thin, successless, lazy bastard. One of life's floaters, you may say.
I think the lesson I shall take from your review is that yoga is evil, a Brazilian is rarely from Brazil and women's potts rock. Wondrous review.

 
At 10:32 pm, Blogger HA HA HA said...

if sels are hhareles howcome ppl make cotes out of em? i mean tehy look nekkid. but they cant be. mabe teh haires on the inside? this rely bugs me.

i think ur riaghte about excesivly welgroomed women. they look good but its gota be a fultime job an who wants to hang out whit somboddy who spends that amont a time keepin er tonails in good order? how is that any less deranged then colecting comic books? an thats whare teh zero-sum thikning works in ur favor! if thares a finite 'attention to toenails' pie an some loon down teh street with a topiery crotch is hoggin it all than ur safe.

 
At 12:21 pm, Anonymous rob said...

You got it HA. Insightful as ever. Anyway they DO collect comic books. Only it's back issues of Vogue or somesuch.

 
At 10:35 am, Blogger UnderCrackers said...

I collect comics AND back issues of 'Vogue'. I also have a vast and plentiful array of 'Country Living' and trashy murder books with plenty of gore and filth. What I don't have is tidy pubes or neat toenails although they do have an elegant shape. Also slapping a bit of Nivea on isn't, I fear, up to the requisite standard to be considered 'well groomed'.

 
At 4:24 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have hot yoga and naked showers in Dar?? Since when???

 

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