Review: Illness

Illness is caused by tiny microbes that live in the air and are full of malice and spite. Other causes of illness include staying out till all hours or putting on your coat indoors so you don’t feel the benefit when you go outside.

I always look forward to illness, imagining it as a rose-tinted paradise in which I’ll lie in bed, clear-skinned and glowing, while well-wishers bring me grapes, magazines and cups of tea. The real thing is disappointingly painful and boring, but that’s exactly the kind of selfish and feckless behaviour I've come to expect from reality.

I spent most of the weekend languishing in bed, too ill to do anything but watch romantic comedies, eat soup and dream mad, Nurofen-addled dreams of boiling Ethan Hawke to make stock. At this rate, if my ibuprofen dependency continues unchecked, I run the risk of turning into a poor man’s Pete Doherty.

My favourite onscreen depiction of illness is Jennifer Lopez’s aneurysm during childbirth in Jersey Girl. Her perfectly coiffed head tilts back, her eyes roll up, and she’s dead, leaving Ben Affleck to bring up his daughter with only his chin and Liv Tyler for company. Lopez has set the Beautiful Corpse bar higher. I too want to die in full make-up, if I have to die at all, which I am still uneasy about.

Illness: Not all I’d hoped for, but lucrative for pharmaceutical companies. 2 out of 10.


At 3:21 pm, Blogger Jude said...

Nice format for blogging "reviews"..

Iniard Watch

At 7:27 pm, Anonymous Donna said...

awww poor Eski.

Mr Jones and I want to take you out to cheer you up.

Are you up for it?

We will pamper you with medicinal spirits, I promise.

get well soon x

At 8:06 pm, Blogger hungbunny said...

Get well soon, 'Mo. One question: is there such a thing as a rich man's Pete Doherty?

At 8:56 pm, Anonymous This Space for Rent said...

Rich man's Pete Doherty: Kate Moss

I'm just getting over my illness now. This has brought out an unpleasent ruthless streak in helping/visiting the sick or as I prefer 'infected.' I'm not sure if i'm immune to what everyone else has got or not. Perhaps in a previous life I invented the leprosy bell.

Get well soon eskimo, it would be nice to see you and tangent for a few hours.

At 9:59 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

Hmm, I too have the idea of wishing for illness, imagining the pampering and forgetting that it sucks to be ill. Luckily, I have resisted the flu that struck down my flatmates, for I have the immune system of a god. Who, I imagine, don't get ill.

At 11:35 pm, Anonymous Peter Mullan's dentist said...

What did the Ethan Hawke stock taste like? I'm guessing quite gamey.

At 10:27 am, Anonymous eskimo said...

fucking hell, you're all being a bit nice, aren't you? where's the cut & thrust of online debate?

the ethan hawke broth was insubstantial, with an unpleasant aftertaste. a bit like diluted fairy liquid, only more musky.

At 9:52 am, Blogger Scattergun said...

Illness can often bring out the best in people.
When my dad was in hospital with bladder cancer he announced to the ward that he was enjoying the peace and quiet of not being nagged and food was better than at home.

Although, perhaps the phrase "almost worth getting cancer for" is not something to broadcast in a hospital...

At 5:39 pm, Anonymous Rob said...

I reckon if you've been ill over the weekend, you have every right to some paid sick leave during the week. At least two days. Preferably drinking & eating grapes.

At 8:55 pm, Anonymous nicedifferentunusual said...

nuff niceness: get up off yer sickbed and file, eskimo! been two days already. you have to think of your public

if you don't want to get ill -- the OCD-inclined should look away now -- just don't touch anything. simple really. a mate who has taken to carrying that alchohol gel stuff everywhere has spent the past six months repeating the news item she saw that said it was cleaner to lift up the toilet seat and balance your sandwich on the rim than to eat it sitting at a shared workstation. ew gross etc


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