Monday

Review: Lying

Like George Washington, I am crap at lying. Not for moral reasons, but for reasons of incompetence. Still, this enables me to lord it over my morally dubious friends, who merrily lie away unhindered by guilt or helpless shiftiness while I loll about on the green grass of the moral high ground, eating the ice cream of righteousness.

I used to be better at lying: between the ages of 13 and 17, I spent a lot of my time impersonating an 18-year-old. At the time, I thought this was a brilliant success, but looking back I wonder if the city’s bouncers and barmen were more impressed by our fake IDs (constructed using a photocopier, Tippex and someone’s older brother’s driving license, and resembling nothing so much as a Blue Peter-inspired arts and crafts project gone horribly awry) or our Baby Slapper outfits. Those were the days, when a miniskirt and blue mascara seemed to scream maturity.

On a related note, I saw Abi Titmuss in a bar on Saturday, dancing among Sharon Osbourne impersonators. “Abi,” I said, “I really admire your work.” No I didn’t. See: a lie! Or a joke. Is a joke a lie?

In any case, my teens were my lying glory days. Now I just can’t do it. I can’t act either. I told an acting student this the other day, and he said, “It’s really easy. Just pretend you want this glass of water.” “But I don’t want it,” I said, baffled.

Back in the day, I had a mercifully brief “friendship” with a young man with an unhealthy fondness for Samuel Beckett, The Smiths and women’s clothing. I once told him he had hurt my feelings (by being a mental, but I didn’t mention that part). “That’s basically a lie,” he said. At the time, I found this monstrous, but looking back it seems quite funny.

Lying: An important social skill, but just not one I happen to be very good at. 4 out of 10.

22 Comments:

At 5:39 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

Jeez. My wishes were granted before I managed to post a comment to the previous blog. Damn your sharp. And that's no lie

 
At 6:49 pm, Blogger Mr K said...

A joke can be a lie. A lie to cover up the emptiness of ones soul, for example. But normally a joke is just a joke. Unless its one of those things where you lie about someones relatives dying and then its only a joke, and then they punch you in the face.

 
At 2:15 am, Anonymous vague said...

I too am very bad at lying. This is going to be a problem in my future career as a Super-Secret Spy. People will be all, "Are you sure I should tell you this sensitive, classified intel?" And I will say, "Sure, man. No biggie. I am not a Super-Secret Spy. I mean, OK, I kind of am, but, like, um, not really...."

 
At 10:37 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I Have a 12" Penis........ Honest!!

 
At 3:16 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unrelated topical gag of the day:

Q: What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Michael Jackson?

A: Thatcher didn't give the miners 'Jesus juice' before fucking them.

 
At 5:52 am, Blogger Tony.T said...

I am a millionaire.

PS: What's the closest flavour to Righteous Ice Cream? Banana? Chocolate? Or some trendy double berry raisin glaze affair?

 
At 10:38 am, Anonymous dONNA said...

i want the name of the mentalist. Don't be righteous and cloud him with anonymity. If you can't tell the truth, lie and attempt to spread nasty rumours. That way, we can test your lying capabilities online!

And you thought I was such a nice person didn't you?

 
At 11:33 am, Anonymous eskimo said...

i reckon the ice cream of righteousness is probably a faint, metaphorical vanilla.

donna, you know i can't just reveal my sources like that. you have to guess. one clue: it was the boy of "i like to wear your tights, they make me feel safe" fame.

 
At 12:03 pm, Anonymous Donna said...

oh HIM!!!

that takes me back.

what a guy!

oh please, please review your exes soon. I especially love the cactus story...

 
At 12:20 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

There's no better wash for dirty linen
than on the web-cycle. I might not renew my annual subscription to the National Enquirer if Donna's request is obliged.

 
At 12:49 pm, Anonymous This Space for Rent said...

I'm rubbish at lying in person. And on the phone. And almost all forms of communication. My semaphore though displays a mastery of deceit.

You're supposed to be able to tell that someone's lying because their eyes will glance up and left when they are thinking creatively, as opposed to up and right when they're remembering something. This won't work of course if out of respect for protocol, no one is allowed to make eye contact with you.

I don't know where it leaves David Blunkett.

 
At 12:54 pm, Blogger Scattergun said...

Oh, I used to be great at lying when I was a child! An honest face and beatific smile meant that mendacity, falsehood and deception were my watchwords.
These days, I too nibble the ice-cream of righteousness. But secretly I yearn for the treacle pudding of evil..

 
At 2:32 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

vague, this space for rent: a likely story. i bet those aren't even your real names.

the cactus story is far too humiliating to tell, but the punchline is "why can't you be intrigued by my vagina?"

 
At 2:38 pm, Anonymous This Space for Rent said...

My parents were hoping for some sponsorship; either that or floating me on the futures market.

 
At 3:24 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

Talking about name-calling, my textbook liberal parents were so convinced that I would be a girl before I was born that called me Rose for some time after the waters broke. I don’t think that they ever got over the disappointing of me being tainted with a Y chromosome. Now was that a lie or not?
It seems that many people here believe that the art of lying deserted them with the arrival of their first body hair. But could it be that as young whippersnappers we lacked the social insight to realise that every adult knew we were a bunch of fibbing little bastards. If this is the case does that mean that men with Asperger’s are the best confidence-tricksters in the adult world.
Eskimo: was the cactus a reference to being too drunk on tequila to notice?

 
At 4:11 pm, Anonymous eskimo said...

no... it was a reference to an anonymous romantic gift that i'd given to a boy i liked, that he said he'd found "intriguing". and now you have the skeleton of the whole story. and the decaying skeleton of my online pride.

 
At 4:35 pm, Blogger Hated thrice said...

Now I'm intrigued. A prickly token of affection… very symbolic. I'm sure that every half-cocked psychiatric media tramp on Radio 4 would love to pontificate on that one. Bugger, revealed my age. I'll shut up then … until tomorrow, of course

 
At 6:14 pm, Anonymous vague said...

I don't know why everyone insists on thinking that "Vague" is some on-line nom de plume. Just because it resembles an English word that means non-specific! In Zembla it is a very popular girls' name and is pronounced like your English name "Jane."

I am pracicing lying here. I aim to improve.

 
At 1:27 pm, Anonymous Ed Lake said...

You were jilted for a cactus?

"Thia is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" etc.

I hope all this is false.

 
At 7:29 pm, Blogger bakonbitzz said...

... I have no bread, it doesn't agree with me. Good. Then perhaps a little corn.

BakonBeckett "Jess"

 
At 4:43 pm, Anonymous Little Lehcar said...

For someone who is also useless at both lying and keeping secrets, I have in the past led an exciting life of deceit. I acheived this by the dual processes of Avoiding the Issue and Hysterical Laughter at Crucial Moments.

NB My decption didn't work for all that long.

 
At 9:58 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're going to have to change the name of this site to "Nothing Reviewed" soon...

 

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