Review: Meeting the famous

Meeting the famous makes ordinary, unfamous people do stupid things. If meeting the famous were an age, it would be three or four years old - past the canonical babbling stage but still retaining the tendency to fall over and/or wet yourself at the drop of a hat. If it were a foodstuff, it would be something exciting but nutritionally empty, like salami or a CheezeString. If it were an actress acting in The Vagina Monologues and talking about what her vagina would say if it could talk, then it would report that its vagina would say something totally unsexy like, "I really admire your work" or "Whoops! Dropped my drink." (Someone should make a riposte to The Vagina Monologues called The Silence of the Vaginas.)

I met Patti Smith the other day - not properly, I didn't bump into her at the supermarket or anything, I was at a festival and she'd just played - and I said some really embarrassing things, most of which I won't go into here, but at one point I said something totally stupid that I didn't even mean ("I feel like I'm talking to God"), and afterwards I felt ashamed of myself and my thoughts turned to my own stupid simile. If I had been talking to God, I hope I would have come up with something better than "Lots of people think you're great!" or "I really think it's brilliant how you made the heaven and the earth and, yea, divided the firmament from the waters and saw that it was good." God would be all like, "Yeah, I know." If you had one question to ask God* - I should point out that I'm an atheist - but if God existed and you had one question to ask him, clearly you'd screw it up and say something along the lines of, "Isn't this just the coolest thing ever?" "No," God would say, and there you'd be, hands in pockets, looking kind of shifty and feeling bad about yourself.

I was in the same room as Jude Law the other day (it was a crowded room. We weren't having sex. I don't think he was aware that I was in the same room as him) and the crowd was pretty equally divided between people pretending they hadn't noticed him and girls walking past with their friends and stage-whispering, "Did you touch him? OH MY GOD, you touched him. You touched Jude Law. Can I have sex with your hand?" I think what people really like about being in the presence of famous people is that it makes us feel like we're doing something vaguely interesting and worthwhile. There's a philosopher who developed a theory about how we all might be living in a virtual reality world simulation run by an advanced civilization, and his advice, if you want to hedge your bets in case his theory is true, is to basically be a good person and also hang out with as many famous people as possible, because then the advanced beings are less likely to turn your simulation off out of boredom.

There are no famous people in Seven Sisters. As far as even minor celebrities are concerned, Seven Sisters is a dead swathe of London, like an area on a post-apocalyptic map where the radioactive zones are marked. If a famous person did end up in Seven Sisters by accident, they would probably be met with a lukewarm reception by the Polish grocers and Somali internet shop owners, who would fail to recognise them and try to sell them internet for 50p an hour, or a boiled sausage. Maybe Lindsay Lohan should come up here for a fortnight's respite from paparazzi harrassment, give up drugs, put on some weight. We could advertise. You know it.

Meeting the famous: Like a little machine with a handle that you turn and anecdotes spill out of the other end. 8 out of 10.

*I'm imagining a scenario where there's a long line of people and God hasn't got time for a proper chat with all of them, like when my friend met the Dalai Lama and told him she liked his shoes, but I suppose that if God really cared then he could bend the rules of space and time so that as many people as possible could ask as many questions as they liked. The Dalai Lama cannot do that. Think about that, Buddhists.


At 7:46 am, Blogger HeNi said...

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At 6:04 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OpenSource Vagina: A Lubricant-Free, Mess-Free Design

The priorities of this project were, in order:
-Simulating the sensation of a vagina without the use of fluid lubricants (fluids require too much cleanup, and cause fermentation issues)
-Ease and speed of cleanup, reloading, and general maintenance
-Mess containment
-Simplicity and economy of construction
-One size fits almost all
-Minimal size

What were not priorities:
- Simulating the appearance of a vagina.

-9" length of 2" diameter PVC tubing
-Slip cap for 2" diameter PVC tubing
-2 x 6"x12" slippery smooth flat nylon fabric
-14" of 4" width elastic ACE Bandage (NOT self-sticking variety)
-4 safety pins
-Rubber band

-Hand saw

Saw two parallel 5" slits opposite each other on one end of the tubing. Use sandpaper to remove all rough edges.

-Cut the 14" length of elastic bandage in half (so you have two 7" pieces)
-Fold one of the above 7" pieces in half, make in to a tube by safety-pinning top and bottom together anywhere between 2.5" and 3" from fold, depending on how tight you want it to feel
-Repeat above step for other 7" piece
-Slide a portion of each of the elastic bandage tubes it's full length (4") down the slit, on opposite sides from each other. The remaining portion of each elastic tube will naturally go around its half of the outside of the PVC tube
-Fold to double-thickness each of the 12" slippery nylon fabrics, then slide the folded ends 4.5" down the two slits BETWEEN the elastic bandages
-At the opening of the Artificial Vagina, pull the excess nylon fabric over to their respective sides (to get them out of the way). A rubber-band around the PVC tubing should keep the fabric from flopping around.
-Check (with your fingers or any broomstick like appendage) that there really is a clear path straight-through the vagina and all the way down through the PVC tubing
-Fill the slip cap with toilet paper, and slide it gently on the far end of the tube

After use, prop the tube upright on the slip cap to allow drainage to the tissue. In a few minutes, take off the slip-cap, throw away the tissue, and either let it dry or just reload the cap with tissue for immediate reuse.

-It can greatly enhance sensation to put a thin spongy or fluffy material in the space between the elastic bandage and the inside of the PVC tube. This is because adds a compression squeeze to the tension squeeze afforded by the the bandage. Try it first with only one side
-Consider making two or three Artificial Vaginas to have ready in case one requires drying-out time
-Baby powder or corn starch can reduce friction in the artificial vagina
-Try different fabrics for sensation. Teflon, for instance, might be ideal in moisture repellance and friction. The main issues is how they deal with moisture; nylon tends to get a very high friction component when wet, ruining sensation. ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials
-Try coatings for the fabric, spray-on (like silicon spray), powder (graphite), or soaked (hair conditioners). ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials

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