Monday

Review: Being a twat

Studies of the optimum conditions for happiness have concluded that being stable and extroverted rather than neurotic and introverted is likely to make you a contented person. Clearly, whatever cod scientist produced this suspect piece of ‘research’ has neglected to think about one important aspect of extroversion: the constant exposure to social humiliation, and the attendant realisation that you’re a twat.

The more you struggle against twathood, the more it takes over. In that respect, being a twat is very similar to drowning in quicksand.


From a poem by Robert Browning: "Then owls and bats / Cowls and twats / Monks and nuns in a cloister's moods /Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry". Seriously.

Of course, being a twat means constantly straddling the great divide between your twattish eagerness to please and your terrible knowledge of your own twathood. It takes the kind of sophisticated doublethink that would blow 1984 out of the water. In many ways, twats are underestimated. But not enough to save them from going straight to video in the great distribution schedule of the universe.

Being a twat: not worth it, for the money. 1 out of 10.



4 Comments:

At 10:24 pm, Anonymous The Happy Cannibal said...

You're wrong.

Extroverts don't dwell on humiliation. They laugh it off and get on with their lives. The twat thing doesn't bother them at all.

No, the people who go on shooting sprees or send letter bombs to strangers are the neurotic introverts who constantly worry about social humiliation. The ones who not only realize that they're twats, but also give a damn.

If I were a stable introverted twat I would have written a much more concise and readable manifesto, and I would not be in prison today.

I assure you I would be much happier.

 
At 4:31 pm, Blogger Harry Hutton said...

Browning thought that a "twat" was a type of headwear for nuns. Seriously.

 
At 4:35 pm, Blogger Harry Hutton said...

Browning thought that a "twat" was a type of headwear for nuns. Seriously.

 
At 10:20 am, Anonymous eskimo said...

harry hutton commented on my blog!
*faints*
*comes round*
i knew that about browning, you know. hence the brilliant literary reference.

 

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